Sexting And Other Accidents
I’m single again.*
Actually, it’s been over a year since my last relationship and my friends have made it clear that it’s time to pair up and shut up. Apparently, my tirades during the Bachelor about the show’s irresponsible perpetuation of the myth of true love are wearing as thin as the dignity of every single person on the show, including the key grip.
To be supportive of my search for a partner, one of my best friends went so far as to suggest how much fun it would be to go through profiles with me on Match.com. I scoffed. Match.com is for oldies, not for cool-ass me. Sure, I’m an oldie—but as a college professor, I spend my days with college students; ergo, I’m practically a college student myself.
I decided that if I was going to try online dating for the first time, I should try a dating site more commensurate with my associated college-age coolness. I knew Tinder, the notorious hook-up site, was too hot for me to handle—I couldn’t even say “hook-up” without a flash-mustache-sweat. If I’m honest, I was hoping to wave at “matches” from across the street and leave my hooks at home in, say, the dishwasher.
But, I overheard my students talking about Bumble, the e-dating site that, in heterosexual matches, the female gets to make the first contact. I sidled up to a cluster of my university students and learned that the swiping right and left that indicated interest or lack there-of was both low-commitment and so very, e-asy.
It was decided. I had a smartphone and was ready to swipe my way to a new relationship on that sunny yellow Bumble site that let women make the first move. (Air horn!)
8 PM: I joined Bumble, set up my profile and began shopping for a man as I would a pair of shoes. It felt strange. I had a vague strategy. I would steer clear of the super-hot dudes posed on sailboats, shirtless, Ray Bans covering their sure-to-reject-me-eyes. I would also swipe left on the men who looked like Dumbledore and would only swipe right on the perfectly age appropriate, acceptable looking man who hit solidly between Playboy and Terrorist.
I will spare you the slow deliberation at which I tried to honor each man’s search for love. Before long I realized that there would be no matching with anyone if I didn’t get with the program of snap-judgments, and start some ruthless swiping. I applied my criteria and got a match. Yay me!
I examined his information. His profile name was Gardener.
I like plants.
He liked movies.
I loved movies.
He was sixty-eight. I am not sixty-eight. “Ann,” I said to myself, “Don’t be ageist.”
After fifteen minutes of writing and deleting, I settled on a friendly yet breezy note.
Me: Hello
Gardener: Hello
Then he proceeded to send me photo after photo of Georgia O’Keeffe’s flower pictures which on the thumbnail screen of my iPhone looked alarmingly like the vaginas they were apparently meant to obliquely portray.
I consulted my twenty-one-year-old daughter who told me there would be men like these, so I politely said, “No Thank you,” and blocked him. Bold!
My next interaction seemed much more reasonable.
HeresHoping: Hello. You’re attractive. Tell me about yourself.
I did. We messaged a bit, and I went to bed that night and thought, I got this. See Bumble was so right for me.
Ping. It was 2 AM and my phone went off with a bumble message. Concerned and hoping there was no Bumble emergency, I read the message.
(From here on out this is exactly transcribed from my phone).
HeresHoping: Hey. We should meet. You should come over.
Me: HAHA Right…it’s 2 AM
HeresHoping: Serious
Me: I was asleep
HeresHoping: I figured. Invite me over.
Me: To my house?
HeresHoping: What do you have in mind?
Did I just invite him over?
Me: What?
HeresHoping: What do YOU have in mind?
Sleep I thought. I have sleep in mind.
HeresHoping: Ann. Invite me over.
Slow down Hot Pants. This is Bumble. I’m still in charge. I’ll lighten the mood.
Me: Maybe. Would you like to come over and go through photo albums of my kids? I can show you their artwork from kindergarten that I’ve kept in scrapbooks.
HeresHoping: Scrapbooks?
Me: Well, If I’m honest I’m more of the bin type. I have bins not scrapbooks. We could go through all of my bins and talk about how cute my kids are. I don’t want you to think this is a booty call. Make you feel cheap.
I’m so clever #baller
HeresHoping: Is this a booty call or a demand?
Alarm!
Me (sweating): I’m not sure of the ins and outs of the booty call. I might have to Wikipedia that. I’m not really the demanding type. Must Google. But, I think this is a salad.
Of course, I meant solid but it autocorrected to salad….
I think this is a salad response to your query.
Eye roll
HeresHoping: Are you demanding a salad?
Me: No. No salad.
HeresHoping: Are you in a demanding mood?
Me: That sounds a little sexy but not super sure of the context so I would say that mostly I’m a little sleepy and wondering if I brushed my teeth.
HeresHoping: So you’re demanding booty and I should bring a salad.
Me: Dating is hard
I wait because this is all going too fast and even I can see it’s not going well. It’s 2AM and my mind is many hours caffeine free.
HeresHoping: I’ll just come over.
Did he know where I lived? Had I accidently shared my location with the world when I dropped my phone in the toilet earlier in the week and had to store it in rice for the day? I could almost hear my daughter shouting Shut It Down like I was in the middle of a nuclear reactor and a valve had to be turned or I was going to end up with a guy at my front door holding a salad quoting Fifty Shades of Grey.
Then, in the most ridiculous moment of an already-ridiculous night, I wrote:
Me: I don’t speak English
Then I deleted Bumble and considered volunteering in the nursing home where they speak my language and have a firm bedtime.
The next day I told my friend I had tried. I tried to be open and witty and game. I tried to get with the program and do a little flirty texting. I tried. But, I’m too polite, appropriate, and apparently, the world of dating moves blisteringly fast and just because you have an iPhone doesn’t mean you should use it for love.
But, as HeresHoping certainly knew, hope springs eternal. **I’m thinking of moving and I’ve heard it’s super easy to house hunt online.
*I met someone nice and we have appropriate meeting times.
** I moved.
Hilarious! Loved this 🙂
xo
Thank you Susie!!!
Well, guess won’t be trying that, then!
Thanks, Ann.
So glad to serve hahahah
Seriously, we would have great fun sharing stories for the next 100 years! lolol
Wouldn’t we though? We gotta make that happen some day.
Somehow, Ann, I don’t think you (of all people) can do yourself justice in a text– the guy won’t be able to see how bright your light truly shines! Go get’em!
Good God, I love you Kyle.
I wish you less “demanding” and more harmonious connections as you continue—as do all of us—to bumble through the netherworld of digital dating. I can say that it works. I met my wife in Nerve 15 years ago. Knew after our first phone call that I wanted to marry her. But decided it would be way too demanding to ask right away. “Maybe share a sale first,” I thought to myself. In any case, it all worked out and 15 years later, we’re still together. Here’s what I learned: put myself out there exactly as I am; connect only with exactly who I want; make that connection one that really knocks my socks off—from the picture to the profile: no hitches, no red flags, no ifs, ands, or buts. You do get to choose. And there are literally millions of guys you get to choose from. All you need to find is one. Take your time. Reach out only to guys who rock your world from the minute you see them on screen. Then tell them why they rocked you in your first message. Wrote as beautifully and as comically as you do. And expect that the right guy will respond in kind.
awwww thanks so much, Steve and congratulations to you!!
Sounds like a site I won’t be trying…Thanks for the insights. Miss you…
Miss you too, Penny 🙂
I think is time for some cheese popcorn
hahahahah
Ann, you had me laughing out loud! Hard pass on the Bumble, friend. I have a feeling Mr. Right is going to waltz into your life the old fashioned way…
I found him and I have Nomi Eve to thank!!
After I was married for 30 years, my husband, who was six years older than I, died in his 50s. A year later, our adult children suggested that I go on internet dating. I did, and many months later I wrote a memoir that won two first-place awards for non-fiction: “MatchDotBomb: A Midlife Journey through Internet Dating”. It’s about love, loss, and moving on with your life. I’ve been on a number of radio and television shows re. the book, and many men as well as women have read it. Years later, I met a man online and we are enjoying our relationship. I believe you would enjoy the book. And good luck with your search!
It sounds so funny!! thank you! I’ll check it out. 🙂
Sounds like you have good start to a new book.
You are not wrong.
hmmmmm…..you are not wrong.
What a scary jerk! Can you get his address so we can all send salads to his house? That man deserves all the veggies he gets.
Special delivery…..
Yes, salad with rotten tomatoes!
it’s true
I love that Anne and I are out for revenge for you, Ann. haha. Btw, I’ve heard Hinge is the new dating app for women. Bumble is last year. ha.
You two are my champion.
I heard that too about the Hinge….after I wrote this. Damn this world moves fast.
No online dating for me
Ann!! I’d rather be single.
Smart move Barbara…
Oh my gosh! This story is so funny! Thank you for sharing. It made me laugh out loud. Saying a little prayer that you find a nice guy the old-fashioned way, like at the farmer’s market or at church.
I did find a nice guy!! He lives in Chicago but I’ll take it 🙂 .
So, did this nice guy come into your life from the online site? If so, how did you find the courage to try again after the plant creep?
I did meet a nice person online. I guess I just decided I wasn’t done with romance yet and thought, hell. It will make a good story.
Yay! True love is not a myth, Ann. I’ve got my hubby to prove it. Only took 40 years to meet him the old fashioned way!
Awww you make my heart sing.
That was hilarious!
I’m so glad you thought so…..it really was hilarious.
Shared this with my daughter, who has tried Bumble with rather similar results. What ever happened to the face-to-face meet-cutes we writers convince besotted readers happen all the time? The world needs more of those,and far fewer Bumble salads.
bumble salad!! WHERE IS THE MEET CUTE??? That is my next blog.
I nearly spit out my tea reading this.
hahaha. I am here screwing up so everyone can spit their tea!
Dating sure has changed since my last date some 30 odd years ago. I’m thinking I will never go on a date again.
You are very wise.
oh my gosh I love this!!! yes!!! it is pretty rude of him to text you at 2am, typically means HE is looking for the booty call. it’s sad when you most of the dating apps everyone uses for hooking up.
So rude! But also very funny.
This really gave me a laugh!
I’m so glad…you gotta laugh
Cute blog, but I must apologize for the necessity for the following comment. I cringed at the misuse of “commiserate,” = to feel sorry for. The word you needed should be “commensurate.”
My gosh you are right. I will change it. Thank you so very much.
I thank God every day I am not single. I don’t think I’d survive the dating scene again. In my 20’s it was hard enough
You go t that right, lady.
I would have replied sooner, but I couldn’t stop laughing! OMG! That was hysterical, Ann! I am NEVER getting divorced… I do not want a bumble salad! Boy, I thought lesbians were direct! Yikes!
hahahaha . I’m so glad you laughed and I am contributing to long term relationships!!
I can relate to this a little too well.
It’s an interesting dating world out there these days!
Oh girl. It’s a jungle.
No fair! HOW did you meet this nice guy from Chicago? (asking for a friend
).
Hahah. Tell your friend I gave it one more click.
As always Ann I so look forward to everything you write! Your humor is insightful and I always laugh out loud when I read your quips excerpts and stories. Thanks for keeping the smile on so many faces. DM
Thank you for writing and reading and reaching out. It keeps me feeling like I should keep doing this. 🙂
Thanks for the laugh.
hahah happy to provide it.
Man that was funny!! Haha I am still laughing!!!! Good luck. Also any more funny interaction please share!
hahah I promise I will.
This was a hoot! LOL. The woes of dating in the 60’s could be daunting, but you have proved technology has made it even worse! Loved your humorous take on it.
That is for sure.
omg, Ann – this is hysterical!!!! Never having been in this situation – I met my hubby at a singles weekend in the Catskills back in March of 1968 – he told his brother “there goes a girl who’s even too short for me” (he was 5’6″, I was 4’9″) – we laughed about the fact that we both lived in the same apartment complex in central Jersey – and argued about which era of the Beatles was better, their original songs, or the Sgt. Pepper songs; we got engaged that June, married that August, and have shared 50 years together – fortunately, most of them happy! Don’t know what I would have done in a phone or text situation!
I pictured that whole story and thought what a wonderful scene in a movie that would make. Thank you for sharing it with me. 🙂
You were my absolute favorite professor. I’ll say teacher because that includes all of the classroom leaders I’ve had and you’re at the top of that list. I know your personality because it was so vibrant and existent in every class. It’s in your writing. Sure, there are teachers, but there are also teachers who do the job well, as it should be done. You make an impact. Pardon my ‘emo’ commentary, but this post just made me smile and laugh. So good! So awesome!
Awww this is the most adorable letter. Thank you so very much. This is the loveliest letter and I can’t tell you how wonderful it made me feel when I read it. You were an equally enthusiastic person to teach. You always had a smile on your face and you were always there to make me feel heard. I know you know how important that is. Thank you.
Absolutely DYING here! I cannot imagine trying to navigate dating these days – I am still a “typewriter-and-carbon-paper” type! Whoa – slow down there, Bucko!! Here’s to future encounters…hopefully not of the STRANGE kind!
hahahaha I KNOW. It was startling and hilarious.
You got a real snort out of me!! My highest compliment in humorous writing, Ann! So did you meet the new guy on Bumble, after all? And would you suggest bumble for an old lady like 67 years old? Or should I just shoot myself and put myself out of my misery?
Never shoot yourself. I found a really lovely man on J-date. It is a Jewish dating site. I’m not Jewish and I wrote that in my profile…but I met a lovely man there and we are seeing where it goes.
OMG Ann! Thank you so much for the good read and hearty laugh! I love this!
Any time darling.
This was hysterical! I did the online dating thing back in the early ’00s, and met a lot of creepers and some very nice boys who were far too nice for me.
I have a house, I have a dog, and I work in adult retail. I need nothing else. (Well, someone to bring me food once a day so I dont starve, just until my kitchen doesnt look like a construction dumpster, of course, would be nice, but really, that’s what GrubHub is for, right?)
As always, love your low key snark humor!
hahahah “boys who were far too nice for me”
You deserve the world though, girl. The world.
2010 was what I refer to as ‘the year of 50 first dates.’ I was on a couple of dating sites and had quite a few first dates. ‘Cause you just know if there isn’t going to be a second, right? A couple of men I saw for several dates before deciding their -fill-in-the-blank- wasn’t a long term match for me. SO…I started telling EVERYONE who would listen that I was looking for a good guy. And it worked! I man that worked for me told his wife who worked with my now fiancé. We dated for a year casually, then one day it was -BAM – love! (currently sporting a killer ring and talking about a date!) We have been happily together for over 6 years now. Hang in there! And remember that 100% of those guys on dating sites are looking for sex first…love, well maybe not so much!
Wow Lynn, nicely done!!
Oh Ann, you are hilarious. I love you, my friend!
I love you too. 🙂
I laughed out loud at this! Thanks for the great read and for starting my morning off with a laugh!
I’m so glad you did. I’m happy to go out in the world and make mistakes for people to enjoy 🙂
That was hilarious! I mean if someone contacted me at 2am -I would have probably deleted him right there on the spot! Lord knows I need my beauty sleep! You will find the right person I am sure! Bumbling or not!
hahaha I KNOW. I’m like, Dude, must sleep.
My pleasure!!
I was laughing out loud as I read! I tried Match and in my quest to find a nice, athletic guy, I ended up meeting a lot of engineers who were having mid-life crises that seemed make a date for a mountain bike ride or a run into an Quest for an Olympic medal. Seriously, I just wanted to enjoy the ride and have a glass of wine and conversation! E-Harmony was much better and after three years of long distance dating, my love and I have thrown caution to,the wind and moved to a new state, new jobs, and lots of new adventures (hopefully, not involving grizzly bear encounters). Come visit us in Montana, Ann!
Wow!! That is fantastic!! Also, I hear you. So you are in Montana now. Atta girl!!
Salad! Bahahahaha!!!! You are hilarious! Thanks for the giggles!!!
You are so welcome!!
Told only like you can Ann!!
Awwwww thank you *wink
Great intro heading: Likes salads, doesn’t speak English ~
HAAHAHA. yesss
This was a great story! It made me laugh out loud!
I’m so glad!!
I sucked at dating before online dating. This takes the cake! : )