One way to love your *body (even when it’s tough.
Some of you have found a way.
This is for those whose body-love wavers occasionally. Especially in the summer when the shorts come out.
I have a strategy for self-love because I find it difficult at times to be nice to myself. I am annoyed when I don’t exercise enough. I am irritated if I get tired before I’m done for the day. I hate how much I want to get married to softened ice creams with chunks of chocolate. When I get angry, I talk crap about my body–my best friend who I literally can’t get through even a single minute without.
There are good reasons for my impatience. I’ve listened to and absorbed many o’ commercial that points out that I am ageing, am not thin enough, and need whiter teeth and bigger muscles. I try not to listen but the messages seep into my subconsciousness.
We are set up to hate, control, and generally disrespect THE thing that makes our lives doable. THE ONLY THING that allows us to do all the things we love. To be with the people we love.
We have to learn to love our bodies so we care for them, not control them.
But how? How can I embrace the mole on my face that grows hair, the chub at the top of my swimsuit bottoms, my knees? My relaxed memory. My brain chemistry.
How can I quiet the voices of unkindness in my past that insisted that I was not perfect in a world where flawlessness matters?
Maybe you’re thinking that because you have chronic pain, UBS, or another difficulty that this whole blog is silly, but I would say this.
Some kids are easier to love, but they still deserve love.
Here’s the strategy.
See that photo up there? That’s Peanut. You might remember a psychic told me he wanted to be a bee for Halloween.
I don’t just love that dog, I’m IN LOVE with that dog. If a man looked at me like that dog is looking at you right now, I’d throw away the ice cream and get married again. Here’s the thing about Peanut.
If I say to my dog, “Peanut, let’s go for a walk.” Peanut responds like he just won the lottery. If I say, “Peanut, let’s go pick up poop in the backyard,” he is like, “Yeah, baby. Poop!” If I asked Peanut to fly, he would give it the old college try.
Peanut is game.
You know what else is like that?
My body.
My body is game. She’s had two babies under difficult circumstances. Get’s up every day and faces my crushing to-do list. She doesn’t fuss when we eat nothing but goat cheese and crackers for dinner and if I want to do something hard, my body is here for it. We’ve gone through a lot, my body and I.
She has limits though. Just like Peanut. The difference is that when those limits show themselves, I can be pretty mean to my body. I think harsh things, hurl insults and highlight my faults.
I never do that to Peanut. I never say, “Your belly is fat, what’s your problem Peanut?” Nor do I ever say, “I know you’re tired, get up and work on your core!” I’ve never forced him to do Kegel exercises at stop lights and not even once have I called him an idiot for losing car keys.
I recognized that Peanut is trying his best but he has limits.
Just like my body. And, my gosh, she is working hard to please me within those limits.
Being human is having limits.
Somehow understanding this, helped me understand that I can love something limited, flawed, and beautiful in its own way.
Like a child, a cat, a husband. *Not necessarily in that order.
Now, think of the thing you love and replace it with you.
XO Ann
This is a tall order. The bags under my eyes…OY!
Oh Ann Garvin, how I love your prose! I too have a Peanut who thinks I hung the moon. And a sweet husband who thinks I’m hot, even when I don’t. Thank you for this reminder to love all of me, every dimple, roll, and ripple. XoX
I’m so grateful that you’re here to read and feel good about what I’m saying.
You did hang the moon!!
xoA
@DavidRoth, in all due respect, I do believe you minterpreted Ms. Garvin’s underlying intent here.
Rather than the post being a “need for a strategy to deal with her self judgement”, the intent instead is an effort to try provide readers with strategies for dealing with their own.
The message is simply, treat yourself as well as you do your dog.
Ann merely gives examples for relatability, levity and humor, which is what we all love and admire about Ann’s writing. It is what keeps us coming back for more.
Thank you Cheri I was hoping for solutions not sympathy 🙂
Thank you CT. You are amazing.
Absolutely lovely advice, thank you. I don’t know ONE woman who couldn’t benefit from LOVING her body the way she LOVES others.
Big hugs to you, and a scritch behind the ears to lovely Peanut!
Thanks Margaret,
I believe so too. Absolutely. I’m glad you liked this. Thank you for saying so.
C.K. Chesterton posited “…[I]t is not familiarity but comparison that breeds contempt.” Marketers are insidiously brilliant at luring us into comparing ourselves to some improbable other. So, you are forgiven for falling for it at times and chastising yourself for not being the improbable you they want to shame you into thinking you should be. And I appreciate the vulnerability, fallibility, and humility you bring to your posts. However, I confess to having trouble sympathizing with a brilliant, beautiful, talented, successful, able-bodied, and privileged woman’s need for a strategy to deal with her self-judgment. I am no mental health expert. And I don’t mean to suggest that advantages such as yours should render one immune to damaging self-criticism. Just to say, perhaps the strategy for addressing it should be as simple as recognizing that where and however one is is exactly and inevitably where and how one is meant to be; one could not be other; the gods have spoken. Now, it’s a new morning. What are we going to do with it?
Hi David,
I wish the solution was so simple.
The problem is that social messaging and expectations are baked into our self-perceptions AND our daily lived experiences as women, regardless of class or other markers of privilege. Body image dissonance is a direct result of the oppression women still face on a daily basis. Other folks whose bodies look different from what society deems as ‘normal’ have similar struggles.
It’s a real thing for many of us and I’m glad that Anne (and others) are talking about it.
Thank you Linda. I couldn’t have said it better. I published widely on this topic regarding ultra-fit images and post-exercise mood (think doctored images in magazines or fitness instructors) for my PhD dissertation and yes. It is baked in. I’m glad it resonated with you. xo Ann
I am curious; if you are a man, then you can’t possibly know what women put themselves through. If someone says we’re beautiful and talented, many of us will not even hear of it, because in our minds we judge our own selves. Women can have millions and still be unhappy with themselves. If we are truly drop dead gorgeous, we will still find flaws and be dissatisfied. As a man, there’s so much you don’t understand. I’ve never seen Ann in person, but like most people, I would guess that she’s posted what she considered her best photo on her blog, and probably a bit younger than actually. I know I did when first engaging in social media. Anyways, nicely written comment. I only took issue with your “trouble sympathizing”.
Thank you Michelle,
I appreciate your comments. And, while the photo is age-appropriate it is the best photo I have–and I’m not opposed to better lighting and angles–because–we all know a pleasing look is profitable. I’m so in awe of Jamie Lee Curtis and Emma Thompson –they are speaking out and it really helps awareness. Whole industries are built on women finding flaws within themselves and paying to “fix” them. I am a person and that is enough for the criteria in this discussion. Much love and thank you. xo
You’ll have to watch the new movie with Emma Thompson called Good Luck to You Leo Grande–before you do, watch a few interviews Emma and her Co-star do together. I’d love to hear what you think about that.
Thanks for writing. And it sounds as if you are very forgiving of your flaws, and that’s a lovely thing.
Sweet column. Going to bookmark it so if we ever get ink for the printer,I will have a copy to save with other stories and quotes and such in my notebook. Thanks!
Thank you Cheryl. You’re lovely to say so.
Printer Ink is the bane of my life.
Oh Ann! I so needed this!
I still have my 16-year-old dog Puppers/Dracena, and darn it if I don’t talk to her like I should talk to myself. Every day, she walks up the hill beside our house after our “walk” and I’m walking up behind her (just in case she falls). Sometimes she stumbles, and she’s always slow, even when she “runs,” but I’m right there behind her saying, “Who’s a big strong girl?! Puppers is such a big strong girl!”
Then I walk into the house and tell myself to work out because I’m out of shape. I need to do better for me.
Darling Puppers visa vi Darling Sue.
Yes, I hear you. I know. xoxoxox A
Hi David,
I wish the solution was so simple.
The problem is that social messaging and expectations are baked into our self-perceptions AND our daily lived experiences as women, regardless of class or other markers of privilege. Body image dissonance is a direct result of the oppression women still face on a daily basis. Other folks whose bodies look different from what society deems as ‘normal’ have similar struggles.
It’s a real thing for many of us and I’m glad that Ann (and others) are talking about it.
Sorry Ann, my takeaway from this column was more about when you said you are in love with Peanut your dog, rather than our irksome thoughts about our bodies. Two of my dogs, Frannie and Reebs, have been the loves of my life. I would rather spend all of eternity with them than any human person I know, and I’ve been in a settled, monagamous happy partnership for 33 years. Dogs just bring a uniqued joy and comfort. I have been dogless since Reebs died unexpectedly in January 2020. Then the pandemic. I’ve got the strong itch to explore the shelters again. And…be kind to your body. Your face radiates that kindness.
Anneke! YES I know right. God the love of a dog is comforting.
I’m sorry to hear you lost your best loves. It’s a hard thing to take. I’m betting one foot into a shelter and you will come home with another right away. I would have twenty if I could. Thank you for being here and your very kind words. Ann
You always hit things SO.SPOT.ON. I know that what you’re saying makes sense, and I’ll think about using your technique, but it is so hard to change a lifetime of negative thoughts.
Deby,
Yes, it is. When I find myself saying something negative, I try to think of how innocent my body is. Like the guileless Peanut. She has no idea she isn’t performing, she’s just happy to be here. But, it’s hard. We have been fed self-hate our whole lives to push the market for, now what is called our “self-care” needs. People make a lot of money and stay in power if women hate themselves. Much love to you, Deby.
It’s hard when it comes with so many years of baggage from childhood.
It’s so hard, Denise. But, your goodness radiates through the baggage every time I see you online.
Lovely…and helpful! <3
Big love for all.
Ann~
I loved every word of this and also so enjoyed the comments. It’s so wonderful when people are kind to each other, even when we disagree. Dogs are the best, maybe a cat or two also! I do wish I could learn to be kinder to my body. About to be 57 next week, feeling all the things. Thanks for making me really think about it. I will be keeping this as well. Love all that you do! I will think of you when I have some ice cream later
I had ice cream last night. Let me know when you do too!
I think so took. Glad you are here!!
I try so hard to be kind too. Sometimes I do it and others not so much. I practice though. Every day.