I lost my turkey.
I did. I lost my actual Thanksgiving turkey. This is not a metaphor for losing my shit. Or an allegory or an idiom (don’t feel bad if you have to google these, I did).
Here’s what happened. I left the Madison Women’s Expo where I’d just given a talk on how Time Management is a myth. Apparently it really, really is. I’m an expert I should know.
I drove to the grocery store FIVE count ‘em FIVE days before Thanksgiving. Look at me. So smug and ready for the world. At the grocery, I contemplated turkeys. How big? How butter ball-ey? Did they run and play in life? How grateful were they? You know the drill.
I chose a turkey. He was so glad. We talked about it.
Off I went. I considered doing some Christmas shopping but said to myself, I said, “No Ann. Don’t push it. Do a few kegels and call it a day.”
That night I preened. I’d given a talk about how to use time wisely. I’d foraged for food for my family. I’d even showered and changed my underwear. It. Had. Been. A. Good. Day.
Fast forward.
The day to cook the turkey came. I shuffled downstairs to start honoring those that came over on the Mayflower. I opened the refrigerator. Hmmmm no turkey. Not even behind the 4 partially filled egg cartons and last year’s cranberries. Weird.
Not to worry.
Still, two freezers to check.
Checked.
Back to the fridge. Yes to sprouted potato’s, expired Mayo, seven kinds of mustard and four half-filled wine bottles. Yes to sticky shelves and something completely unidentifiable.
Score: Grubby Fridge: 10, Turkey 0
Next up. I checked the trunk of my car, the back seat, my closet (don’t judge me you know you put things in weird places too).
Not one to dwell on the heartbreaking loss of material items I put a coat over my pajamas and went to the store and bought another turkey.
Later, after too much pie, I took a moment to ponder my lost turkey. I think it’s important to reflect. Here are my thoughts. I either chose the turkey and it never made it to my cart or I purchased the turkey but left it in the store. Or, more likely, I bought the turkey, put it in my car, got it into the house but it was a magic turkey and it disapparated and has apparated in an open field of turkeys and is living out its days trying to fit in even though it’s giblets are in a bundle.
In any case, I thought you should know that time management is a myth. If you have too much going on you will lose your turkey
XO Ann
Ann Garvin, Mother, professor, and USA Today Bestselling author of I Like You Just Fine When You’re Not Around. Founder of The Tall Poppy Writers and The Fifth Semester. Ann believes someone has to lift up and make fun of women so it might as well be her.
I’ve lost a lot of things but never a turkey! I think a round of applause is in order. 😉
I’m going with the apparated theory. It has precedent. Ask my wife. 😉
It’s a bafflement for sure! Your story reminds me of when I lost all our chocolate Easter bunnies from Gail Ambrosias a couple years ago. 6 little bunnies lovingly hand made and ready to hop into 6 Easter baskets never made it through our front door. Like you, I searched everywhere, even the garbage. It was a sad loss and continues to be an unsolved mystery. Nobody got a bunny in our house that year. 🙁
I’ve never lost something so big. It must be taking lessons from Houdini! Thank you for the chuckle
I like to think that someone who needed it swiped it when you weren’t looking. Thanks for the laugh!
Lol, after the kind of day I had where I thought I was losing my mind, this just made my day!!! Thank you for being you!!!
my turkey was stolen at the grocery store a few years ago. long story, but the store replaced it.
I’m glad it all worked out in the end for you! Happy December!
Mystery solved! South bound Highway 51 November 19. A vehicle “traveling well above the speed limit” was to blame for a three car pile-up. It seems a woman driving the car appearing to to be suffering from stomach cramps was oblivious to the fact that a precariously placed frozen turkey had just “flown” from the roof of her car through the windshield of a North bound car. The driver, shocked when the bird came to rest in his passenger seat exclaimed “Thank God it’s not another deer!” The “distraction” caused the driver cross the centerline triggering the three car pile-up.
I must say thank you for the bird and your wonderful story. With the exception of a few glass shards the turkey was delicious. As to the accident you’ll be hearing from my attorney. I thought you had stomach cramps when it was Kegels all along;)
my oldest son, who owns his own home, went to the store a few days before Thanksgiving this year. As the clerk was ringing his order up, she told him he had purchased enough food to qualify for the free ten-pound turkey, so he left his cart in the checkout line, and went to the back of the store to find a turkey. Alas, there were no ten-pound turkeys left, so my son selected a twenty-three pound bird!!! My other son’s wife will cook this baby, and we will have it for Chanukah on the 24th and Christmas on the 25th. And there will probably be enough to serve for New Year’s Eve, too!
This is a great story, and I love that you had just given a lecture on time management. Proves you are so human, lucky you.
You crack me up. Can I give you a cat I’ve decided I’d like to lose, since I put up the tree?
I think your turkey “done gone up and went.” Yup, it’s a miracle turkey, who also happens to like to mess with your head. Ha ha.
I love you, Ann Wertz Garvin!! I love your writing…..I love your honesty…..I love your wit!! YOU are a gem!!! Love and miss you!!!!:)
oxoxoxoxoxo
My daughter and I pulled into the Wegman’s (giant food store) parking lot and parked next to the cart return. It was the day before Thanksgiving. Lots of shoppers, so I thought we should take a cart into the store with us in case there were none inside. Turned to the carts and….there was a turkey in the bottom of one of the carts. We took it back to the store…and turned it in. It was a fresh turkey so it probably cost at least $25. We hoped the person got home, realized they didn’t have their bird – the day before Thanksgiving-and went back to the store. Maybe that’s what happened to you. Happy holidays Ann.
I think my sanity has run off with your turkey. And they took a good bottle of Thanksgiving wine with them.
xoxoxo
I apparently need to do a few kegels myself…I just peed. You are too funny, and I appreciate that!
haha
My husband got his Christmas present for Valentines… But my turkey made it to the table! thanks for sharing. It is so awesome.
Great story Ann! Caused me to truly ‘laugh outloud’ and that is something I needed right now. So thanks for sharing.
Oh my gosh! I have lost so many things…sometimes they show up months later…but I hope you don’t find your turkey months from now….
Ann, this made my day!! I guess it shall remain a mystery, but like you, I choose to believe it has crossed the “rainbow bridge” and is gallivanting (if turkeys do that sort of thing) with its buddies…
LOL. That is too funny. Never again will I feel bad for losing keys or an umbrella. Maybe the the turkey was a metaphor for an overstuffed brain.
Oh my gosh….this is so relatable! I can’t think of what I always lose, besides my phone; but I once made out the check for my mortgage for e check #, instead of the amount I was SO confused when I got the notice that I hadn’t paid the mortgage. I had it written in the register; and the amount subtracted. It was hours of going through bills and canceled checks before I figured out what I’d done
I’VE DONE THIS TOO!
It’s a busy, wonderful life right? That’s why we do these things.
We have more important things on our mind.
That is so funny. I’m sorry but it just is. I’ve never lost a whole turkey but have lost a chicken. It was actually a pack of chicken breasts but still.. I feel for ya. I’m glad you was able to get another one.
We still don’t know where that Turkey is. hahaha